that was what someone told me today. yes i agree. i do know that i expect alot from myself, especially in certain areas. i cannot stand failure, just like i cannot stand stupid people (i will come to that later), and people who tYpEE lYK diSzZ wOrSzz, and etc etc etc. everytime i do something, i'll put in all my effort, my best shot, my everything. especially if its something i'm really passionate about, like chess and soccer. i guess that's why results matter alot to me, because when i put in something, i want something in return too.
when i go for training, i know what stuff i have to improve on, like spotting the traps in chess, or setting up traps myself without being too obvious. in anycase, i must not lose pieces unnecessarily. so sometimes when i DO lose pieces, i get abit upset and demoralised (okay i think i get demoralised quite easily), especially when my opponent is one i think i can beat. but i still held on, just like in charyang's 5th and 6th game. i was really at a bad disadvantage, and was SO close to being checkmated, but i turned the odds and won. the feeling of satisfaction at that moment was really indescribable.
so how come i cant bring that spirit into soccer? soccer is very much a team game, not solo, and a win/loss does not depend solely on you, but on the whole team's performance. so why do i get so affected just because i missed some shots, some kicks, some passes. i mean, it was just training, i can always improve! but no, i start to get all demoralised and stuff. everytime i connect with the ball, i want it to be my best shot. maybe im a perfectionist in SOME ways, because i know im a very horrible slob, so i cant be a true-blue perfectionist. even if the ball went into the net, i still feel that the shot could have been better, could have been more 'impossible' to save. if others can kick and score that kind of goals, why cant i? :(
true, maybe i expect more from myself than others expect from themselves. but thats me. and when so many people are piling the pressure, it gets really stressful at times. i want to rant at someone, but sometimes no one seems free to listen, to give a listening ear. i want to whine and complain and get everything off my chest. i want to complain about the 'unrecovered' chest sprain, about my pulled thigh muscle, my left leg's inability to rotate, and many many more. but no one wants to listen.
as a finisher/striker, whether the team wins is really quite dependant on your finishing. i know my finishing is really quite bad, and its worse when everyone claims to say its very good. more stress, more pressure, and even more so, when you know you have to live up to so many people's expectations of yourself. i just want a break from everything. all the messy relations, broken friendships, screwed up trainings, skipped lessons and failed tests. i just want to leave everything behind. i want to. but i cant even let go
i realised i've digressed alot. and i really cant stand stupid people who dont have a clue about things thats going on. i know im not a smart person myself, but at least im not dense. at least im sensitive enough to the people around me. but are you?
sigh. and dy! you've been a really great friend to me through this trying time. (: thanks alot alot alot. you dont know how much it means to me
i'll stand up stronger from all this. i will.
;10:57 PM
