today was another walk down memory lane. i can remember when we were in pri6, after psle, we had that street soccer tournament. formed a team with some of the girls. and in the finals, we were up against the indon team.
all through the match, i was playing with a different goal in my mind. yes, i wanted to win. win the tournament. get first. but more so, i wanted to beat her. i wanted to prove myself better than her. i wanted to prove him wrong
but i didnt. i lost. and i took the coward's way out. i hid. i cried. i kept it from everyone. even you.
now when i look back at that day, i can remember the basketball court with the barriers. qh at the goalpost. the masses of people ard the court. the red/green tiled walls of the toilet where i hid after the match. i remember all these whenever i look at the silver trophy i got.
i realise most of life's made up of moments like this. moments of failure. of despair. and usually i remember every single one of them. i dont forget unhappy stuff, but i do, happy stuff.
i feel i've failed as a person. as a girl. as a friend who's not exactly there always. as a daughter who didnt help out much. as a cousin who keeps her distance now. as a sister who keeps screaming at her brothers. as a gf who failed you. as a student who doesnt put in her best effort. as a classmate/grpmate who doesnt contribute.
and yet, my demands of the people ard me are so high. so much, that sometimes i wonder at my double standards. standards of myself, and of others.
i must be mad. the trophies on my shelf seem to be mocking me. i'm always behind, never last, but also, never first.
what i wouldnt give, to give all this up. and start my life. all over again. no more mistakes. no more failures. no more wrong choices. but i cant.
;11:58 PM
